


Reincarnated by Eren Jackson

by interactivegaylord, ratmicah



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eventual Character Death, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Reincarnation, honestly the canon universe is only here for setting, in canon universe death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-01-15 19:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18505324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interactivegaylord/pseuds/interactivegaylord, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratmicah/pseuds/ratmicah
Summary: I met a man at a coffee shop one day. I asked him on a date, and when we touched, memories flooded my head, a whole lifetime of memories, with details that only I could know. I felt the urge to wrap my arms around him, to hold him, and never let go. I loved him in my past life, and it cost me my life. I used to be a young man named Eren Yeager, who's life was cut short at age 19. He was going to save the world, he was going to be in history books as the man who liberated humanity, and instead, all records of him were "lost", as well as that of his lover, Levi. Its his turn to be recognized, and time for his story to be shared.





	1. Prologue

This is not historical fiction. There are gaps in my memory at the time of writing this. Every time I touch him I remember a little more, even still. My head is busy as it holds two separate lifetimes, 20 of peaceful, rich suburban bliss, and those of Eren Yeager, 19 years of war and loss. His life was not all bad, however. He had his sister, Mikasa Ackerman, his best friends, Armin Arlert, Jean Kirstein, Connie Springer, and Sasha Braus, and his lover, Levi.

Some of you may label me a madman, and I will accept my title, because if you write a review of this, it means you finished it. You probably bought it, Probably a hardcover, since most reviews happen shortly after publication, and if you honestly went to all that trouble to tell me that I'm crazy, I'm probably not the only one. 

Reincarnation isnt something the Christian-based United States teaches about. Yes, there are people who label themselves as kin, Which just means that they feel they are connected to something or someone, or that they are making up scenarios that they perceive as memories. I'm not here to talk about 'kin-culture', i am here to tell Yeager's story, since I believe that I am him, or rather, I was.

I find it important to share his story, not to attract people with similar experiences about reincarnation (though, if I do, I wont be upset), or to make money, but because it is a (near) first hand experience of homophobia in old times, cruelty because of it, execution, and what happens after death. 

First, I must start with myself. I was born to Beth and Nathan Jackson on June 3rd, 1999, which, at the time of writing thins, means that I am 20 years old, so any wisdom dispensed throughout this book will automatically be taken with a grain of salt. I've had an easy live, living in Staten Island, New York, with my rich parents, and two younger brothers, Chase and Anthony. We call them double trouble, because they like to prank my parents and I all the time. They were born when I was 10, a surprise pregnancy that brought twins. I have a sister on the way, which is a miracle. My mother had me hen she was 19. She married my father by my first birthday. She is now 39, and nervous about having a baby at her age, but excited nonetheless. They are going to name her maria, after my great grandmother who passed away 3 years ago.

Despite my full and comfortable life, I always felt like something was missing. I felt like there was something i had forgotten, a task that needed to be completed. Beyond that, I longed for adventure. I was bored in my perfect neighborhood, safe, and comfortable, but bored. After graduating high school, I took a gap year. I had worked tirelessly since I was 16 at 3 different jobs at the same time, working every night until closing, and saved every penny i had since i was 12 in order to travel. as a graduation present, my parents gave me $10,000. I used the $25,000 i had to explore Europe for two months. I stayed with a wonderful family in Rome, and was never away from them for more than a week. They were joyful, exuberant, and welcoming. The father, Flavio, loved t cook. It was his passion, and I loved being home for dinner with them, because everything was new cuisine to me, and it was all amazing.

When I got back, I was a good Candidate for colleges, because not only had I been immersed in European culture and languages, and had picked up a good amount of Italian, I also wrote a journalistic piece, documenting my travels and experiences. i got into Columbia University, where I am currently a sophomore studying to become a travel journalist. I also enjoy poetry very much, but cannot write my own. That was the quickest class drop my friends had ever seen.

As my sophomore year progressed, I began having strange dreams. They felt realer than those dreams where you wake up and believe that a day has passed, because you just dreamed a normal day. it was odd, and it kept me up at night. I got addicted to caffeine again, an addiction that I had kicked after my freshman year, because I could never sleep. Some of the dreams were happy, a girl I now know as Mikasa smiling gently, dancing with a man and holding him close enough to feel his breath against my neck and his hair against my cheek. But some of the dreams were terrifying, and I would rather leave them out. 

And then, on April 2nd, I met Levi Addis. He was short, with icy blue eyes and a stoic stare, black hair parted in the front and a prominent part. I thought he was cute, so i asked him out. I dorkishly offered my hand for him to write hit phone number on, and as soon as he touched me, a lifetime's worth of memories flooded into my brain, ad his. He was Eren Yeager's lover, Levi, and if ever there were such a thing, he was and is my soulmate.


	2. Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates will be quick for the next few chapters, cause i have it all written! i just have to type.

The earliest memory I have as of yet is of his mother. He was maybe five, and had just woken up from a nightmare. He was crying quietly, determined not to wake his mother Carla,but she knew something was off and came to check on him. She asked him what was wrong, and he reluctantly told her he had a nightmare. She smiled softly and sat next to him. She pulled him into her lap and said something that he would never forget.

“Its okay to be scared. It keeps us safe. If you’re scared of something, there is a reason to be so. You have to decide if that reason is good enough to be scared over. When your father asked me to marry him, I was scared for many reasons, but they didn’t matter, because Grisha is the best man I have ever known. There are many things to be scared of in life, Eren, but you shouldn’t live in fear, because there are more important things to focus on.”

She began to hum a gentle melody to lull him back to sleep, and kept watch over him for the rest of the night, to show him that he had nothing to fear. In the morning she woke him up and made him breakfast, and he felt safe.

He kept those words close to him as he got older. When he went to rescue the girl he would come to call his sister, he wasnt scared, because he decided that she was worth it. When he joined the scouts, he wasnt scared, and shen he realized that he loved levi, he wasnt scared.

Now that you’ve gotten an idea of how much she loved Eren, I will tell you more about Carla Yeager. She was spunky, kind of short, devoted to her beliefs, and not afraid to fight. She was happy within the walls, something that Eren couldnt understand. When she found out that Eren wanted to join the scouts, she lectured him about it for weeks. She didnt want to lose her only son.

Unfortunately, when he was old enough to enlist in training, she had already been dead for three years.

In 850, the Colossal Titan (Bertholdt Hoover) and the Armored Titan (Reiner Braun) launched an attack on Eren’s hometown of Shiganshina, an outlying city on Wall Maria. Titans Flooded into the town, and the unprepared Garrison Regiment was not able to hold them off. Eren and his best friends were among the survivors, and his mother was not.

I do not wish to scare anyone, but his mother was eaten in front of him, and even I have nightmares about it sometimes. 

As Eren grew older, thoughts of his mother kept him going, but also caused a great deal of unrest. He devoted himself to being a man that she would have been proud of. He made himself strong but open, kept his cheery nature as best he could, and kept her advice close to himself.

It wasnt all sunshine, however. There were two men who lived together, a few houses down from his. They were together, but kept quiet about it out of fear. His mother was never mean to him, she was nice to everyone, but it was clear that she disagreed with how they lived. I will discuss this more as I get to talking about Levi, but it took a while for Eren to accept his feelings for his short captain.


	3. Father

Eren admired his father for most of his life. Grisha Yeagear was, at a glance, a good man. He was a doctor, And saved Shiganshina from a plague. Beyond that, he was gentle, and caring, but he was not around much. Because of that, this section will be short, unless about Eren’s father, but more about the burden that he placed on Eren’s shoulder. 

On the day that Wall Maria, Grisha went out of town, telling his wife and children he was needed in another town. In reality, he was going to extinguish a family line. He murdered the Reiss family’s heirs, in order to steal an inheritance. It was not money or an object, it was power. The Reiss family had passed down the Founding Titan from generation to generation. In order to do this, the new Founding Titan holder had to turn into a titan and eat the old holder. he did have good intentions. He believed he was doing humanity a service. After he accomplished his mission, he knew he would never live in safety, and could not risk losing the Founding Titan, so he sought his only son Eren. 

When he found Eren, he forcefully injected him with a serum to turn him into a titan. As a titan, Eren couldn’t control himself, and, as Grisha had planned, ate his father, leaving him an orphan with the world on his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter than levi haha. new chapter tonight too. maybe two? i have a friend motivating me so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	4. Mikasa, Armin, and Friends

When Eren first heard about Mikasa, his father was taking him with him to visit her family for a checkup. Upon arrival, they found Mikasa’s mother and father dead, and no sign of the young 9 year old girl. Grisha told Eren to stay near the cabin and wait while Grisha went to get someone to help. 

This was the first time Eren had been faced with death, and it scared him, not because he didn’t want to die, but because he didn’t want Mikasa to suffer the same fate as her parents. He took a knife, and went searching for her. 

When he found her, she was tied on the ground, with her hands behind her back. She was guarded by two large men, both of which he killed. He freed her, and she told him of another man. The man tried to kill Eren, and Mikasa killed him and saved Eren. Throughout the rest of his life, Mikasa did her best to save Eren as much as she could.

When Eren’s father found the two, he decided that Mikasa would live with them as Eren’s adopted sister.

Armin was Eren’s best friend, and after Mikasa began to live with them, he was her friend as well. Armin lived with his grandpa after his parents ‘disappeared.’ they were most likely killed by the Military Police for wanting to go outside the walls and live, but at the time, Eren was too young to know the truth.

Armin’s grandpa owned hundreds of books, a collection he had spent every spare penny on accumulating. There were storybooks, and informatory books. Eren learned what plants were safe to eat, even how to draw, but the most important thing he learned was what was beyond the walls. Giant pools of water filled with salt called oceans, tundras of snow and ice, it was all so unbelievable to him that it made him need to see it. That’s what drove him to become a Scout. He wanted to see the world, and I grew up with the same wish.

Eren has Armin and his grandfather to thank for his love, and I am just as grateful for him and his books. 

Eren’s other friends were Connie Springer, a short but spunky guy, Sasha Braus, who was nicknamed ‘potato girl’ because she ate a potato during an inspection, Jean Kirschstein, whom he fought with alot, but was very good friends with.

And then there was Historia Reiss (the queen herself), with whom Eren had a complicated relationship. First known to him as Christa Lenz, Historia was, at the time Eren knew her, far from the skilled monarch she is remembered as. She was just a wide-eyed soldier, desperate to define herself, rather than let herself be defined by her name. She once called herself an enemy of humanity to prove a point to Eren. She was a gifted soldier, too. When that massive titan came to the wall outside the Orvud District, she was the one who dealt the final blow.

In all honesty, though Mikasa and Armin were Eren’s closest friends, and his family after the wall fell, I believe I will spend just as much time on Historia, a girl who he truly only met a few months before his death.

Before Levi, it was Historia. She and Eren shared a few nights of passion, but ended it for fear of her getting pregnant. She would have welcomed a child happily, but she wanted the baby’s father to be home. Beyond that, while they both admired the other greatly, and they both enjoyed the company, they never considered a relationship. It just wasn’t who they loved. Historia, for example, had feelings for her best friend, a titan shifter Ymir, and Eren didn’t realize, but he wanted Levi.

Eren never let himself forget those nights with her, though. She was his first, and so she held a special place in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> def gonna post another tonight! its ereri christmas y'all


	5. Levi- First Impressions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, im aging down levi so that he and eren fit into the 1/2+7 rule. also im having Eren at 19, because im still confused on how old he is.

The first time Eren and Levi met, Eren had just discovered his titan abilities, used it to plug the hole in the wall if the Trost District, and passed out. He woke up in a cell, chained to a wall sitting on a bed with two high ranking officers of the Scout Regiment, Commander Erwin Smith, and Captain Levi Rivaille (at the time, Levi did not know his last name). Levi was a skilled veteran, about 25, and was nicknamed ‘Humanity’s Strongest.’ Most defining of all, perhaps, was that all of the power was confined in a body of 143 lbs and 5’2”. I am joking about the last sentence, except his size. Both of Levi’s legs would fit into one of Erwin’s thighs, and Levi’s thigh was thinner than Eren’s bicep. But enough about his size.

Eren was put on trial to decide his fate, and, in order to claim him for the Scouts, Levi demonstrated his discipline methods. He beat the shit out of Eren, even knocked out Eren’s tooth, but because of his titan abilities, he grew another. That was the last and only time that Levi laid an unkind finger on Eren.

Afterwards, Erwin apologized to Eren, and told him that he had ordered Levi to do whatever it took to claim Eren, knowing that the other option was execution, or a lifetime of imprisonment for the young man, who wanted nothing more than to see beyond the walls. 

In reality, Levi proved to be laid back when it came to his squad. He let them make their own decisions, and even allowed Eren to choose when to transform in battle. But most of all, he was protective of Eren, in an almost personal way.

I recently reconnected with the reincarnation of Armin, and he filled me in on the Ackerman bloodlines, which both Mikasa and Levi belonged to. The Ackermans were warriors by blood, and had once pledged their loyalty to the king, the holder of the Founding Titan. While there are more interesting things about Ackermans, this is the most important for my purposes. Ackermans are drawn to protecting the holder of the Founding Titan, so it’s no wonder that both Mikasa and Levi were fiercely protective of Eren, in their own way. Mikasa would rush in to save Eren at any chance she could, while Levi worked to preserve his long term safety. 

Even despite this, and the nature of Eren and Levi’s relationship, Levi was a closed book. I only know of his childhood because of my Levi, and what he remembers. Levi got his last name from his mother, who lived in a brothel in the underground, and probably did not know who his father was. Her name was Kutchel, and she did her best for Levi. She loved him, she really did. She fell ill when he was about 6 or 7. A man Levi would not know was his uncle until he was much older, came and visited her. He found her dead in her bed, and Levi sitting against the wall across from her bed, and on the brink of starvation. This man’s name was Kenny, and for the next few years, acted as his guardian. Kenny was the bodyguard of the Current Founding Titan as well, so Levi was left to fend for himself most of the time. Kenny raised levi to be a thief, and a violent one.

Levi had two friends, Isabel and Furlan, and they were his true family. Erwin found them in the underground, and, rather than have them be imprisoned, offered them a place in the Scouts. They went through basic training, and joined the Scouts. Shortly after, Levi was separated from them in battle, and upon his return, found them dead, killed by a titan. After their death, he closed himself off, and built thick walls, isolating himself in grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more


	6. Levi- A Confusing Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasnt satisfied with this one and added more

As Levi and Eren got closer, Levi continued to baffle Eren. He was distant, cold, intense, but on rare occasions, he showed the man he was and they would share an intimate moment. After they did, Levi would act like it never happened. It frustrated Eren to no end. 

Eren was under constant watch, because he was likely to be kidnapped, but it also brought a great deal of frustration. He couldn’t even take a piss without someone within earshot.

On top of all that, Eren was lonely. He had Armin, but likasa was too obsessed to actually ask what was wrong, or maybe she just didn’t expect him to have emotional issues. It was a very sexist time, and she was only concerned with his physical safety. Historia was busy, and it wasn’t her fault, but she was the only person he’d been intimate with, and he just needed someone to talk to, or even just hold. And then there was Levi, whom he wanted to be closer to, but who was enigmatic and confusing to him.

So what does a lonely, frustrated, 19-year-old do?

And he did. He had to sneak out in the middle of the night to be alone, since he shared a room with Jean, Armin, and Connie, but he did. Well, he started to.

Levi found him halfway through, which frustrated him even more, as well as embarrass the hell out of him. All he wanted at the moment was 10-15 minutes alone, and instead he was interrupted by someone, he thought, hated him

“God can’t I just have 5 minutes to myself?” Eren whined and pulled his legs to his chest.

Levi glared at Eren. “You came all the way out here to jack off?” he asked and looked around, wanting to look anywhere but at the half naked boy.

Eren nods, regretting his existence. “I haven’t gotten a moment alone in weeks. I know for a fact that the other guys sneak off during the day but every time I try you guys always stop me. I can’t even take a piss without you requiring that someone be close enough to hear.”

Levi shook his head and sighed before pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “None of you have any self control, do you?”

Eren let out a slightly angered noise. “Its not my fault. I’m a man, and I have needs. Not to mention that the stress that you guys cause is immense and insufferable, I have to get it out somehow.”

Eren’s eyes blow wide as he realizes that what he said was rude and insulting towards the captain, and immediately regrets it. “Sorry captain I’m just-” 

But levi was kneeling down to meet Eren’s eyes, and was only a few inches from him. He looked at him with those icy eyes, and something inside Eren changed.

“Are you just going to sit there and wait for me to leave or do you want help with it?" Levi asked, and Eren began to fear that in his hastiness to finish, he would break his small captain.

Eren bit his lip. He knew that it was a bad idea, but hands are only good for so much, and Levi would be much more satisfying. Eren would have never asked, but since Levi had offered, Eren nodded, a bit shy.

In hindsight, he feared that he had done too much. He had caressed Levi, kissed his back, his shoulders, even his neck. He had thought that he would have to think of a woman instead of Levi, but he didn’t. And that in itself scared him. He didnt know he would enjoy this as much as he did, he didnt even expect to enjoy it at all. In the coming days, whenever he got excited it would be because of thoughts of Levi, and it scared him.

Probably the worst part of Eren’s intimacy with Levi that night, was that even after that, Levi was still distant and cold. Eren had been intimate like that again with someone who didn’t love him, and whom he felt, he thought, interested in, but not romantically so. Levi had just pulled his clothes back on and stood up. At least with Historia, they would lay there for at the very least, a few minutes, enjoying being held. But Levi, he just looked down at Eren, who was still half naked, and now very uncomfortable with Levi looking at him like that. But Eren wanted Levi to stay. He believed that everyone should be held sometimes, including, and especially, men like Levi, who were strong but isolated, and, in a way, Eren was a bit isolated too. He didn’t know what happened behind closed doors, or whether or not Levi had been held recently, so he reached up and took Levi’s hand, pushing aside his discomfort and instead looking up softly at the man. 

“Levi,” he started, trying to put the words together, but Levi had a different idea.

“How are you feeling?” he asked. He didn’t grip Eren’s hand in return, but didn’t pull his hand away. He wouldn’t be completely cold towards Eren. As far as he knew, that was Eren’s first time, a thought that hadn’t occurred to him until afterwards. He didn’t want to hurt the boy.

But Levi’s words did hurt a bit. He felt ungrateful for what Levi did for him, but he wasn’t satisfied. His nights with Historia were fun and nice and intimate, but he wanted a relationship, and after having sex with Levi as well, he realized that he was not the type of man to have sex outside of a relationship. In the moment, it was exciting, but after, the loneliness got worse. He frowned slightly and pulled his pants up. He answered, “Better, thanks.”

He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped his hands clean of the remnants of their previous action, and of Levi, who just watched him do so. He took a deep breath before making another request. He had asked so much of Levi recently and Levi had given him everything. “Could I have a bit of time to myself, just once a week. I just need time.”

Levi sighed slightly and turned his attention back to Eren. “I'll see if and when I can get you out of training. Just try not to come out here, it's filthy and dangerous as hell.”

Eren nodded and looked at the ground. “Okay, thank you Levi.”

The air filled with an uncomfortable silence, which drove the two men to overthink the whole ordeal. Eren was the one to break it, as was typical for any silence between him and Levi. he stood up and wiped the back of his white pants off.

“I guess I should get back.” he says, immediately regretting his word choice but not having any other way to break the silence. He settled for adding an expression of gratitude, and an honest one. He was thankful for what Levi had done, but the situation lacked greatly. “Thanks for helping me Levi.”

Eren offered his clean hand to Levi to help him up. Levi looked at the hand before taking it and using it to stand. He seemed caught off guard by the thanks. “Yeah… yeah it’s no problem.”

The walk back was silent, and Eren had wished he had asked for another intimate (but non sexual) moment with Levi. he wanted to hold someone, he wanted to be held, and he wanted Levi to want that too. Then again, if Eren had asked, Levi would have probably said yes, even if he didn’t want it, because Levi aimed to keep Eren as happy as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last one for tonight


	7. Communication is Hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bottom levi btw but im keeping the nsfw stuff out of this cause,,, yeah
> 
> as i put in the tags, this is based off an rp, and i decided to put the rp out there for yall to read. ive already put it in a google doc, but its literally reply by reply. i didnt even fix typos bc its like 50 pages long haha. anyway here you go, and yes, spicy parts are in there, but only two cause, they dont really get much time together whoops!
> 
> https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vMt5MKHH37PiAic4AoLTFOcXdx3ad9PtHowkgqdpuic/edit?usp=sharing
> 
> i will tell ya'll what page each chapter brings you up trough because i dont want you to get spoilers if you dont want. i will also be nice and section it off so its even harder to get spoilers. i wouldnt recommend it, but it will give you more insight into levi's thoughts
> 
> up through page 11

Eren had been given a free day the next morning, which Levi had gotten for him, and all of his friends were very jealous. He had to admit, the idea of a day off was nice, but not after the night he just had. He almost wanted the distraction of a busy day, because every time he had a moment to think, he would end up thinking about Levi, specifically how he wanted to slide his hands under Levi’s shirt again, feel his body pressed against the shorter mans back, and god he wanted to hear Levi like he had the night before. He didn’t know a man could sound like that, and certainly not one with such a deep voice like Levi’s.

Eren was yanked from his thoughts by Sasha’s voice, thankfully, before they could affect him physically. She whined. “No fair! You get a free day?”

Eren looked up at her. “I guess I do.” he says and puts on a smile

“What are you going to do?” Jean asked and looked at Eren. 

"I’m gonna catch up on sleep. Connie keeps kicking and punching me. Its like sleeping next to a toddler." Eren teased, which made Connie defensive.

He huffed and crossed his arms. “I do not!” he said, earning a few glances from other people in the dining hall.

Eren stood after finishing his food “Have fun following orders.” he joked before leaving and heading back to the room he shared with the other boys in his squad. He felt a bit guilty about leaving them and enjoying tile to himself, but he never got that time, and they could slip away as long as their duties were taken care of. He also had gotten tired of faking a good mood while with them, even in that short amount of time.

In a weird way, Eren felt closer to Levi than any of his friends, but not because they had sex. It was partly that, but not in the way one might think. Levi had listened to what Eren wanted and needed. Levi was the first person in a while that made Eren feel human again. It was possible that he was just trying to keep Eren happy so he could continue to work for the scouts, but at least he cared what Eren wanted. 

Eren was exhausted, and had assumed that he would be asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, but when it did, he felt more awake than he had as he was laying down. Eren gives up on sleep and just curled up, holding his pillow to his chest. He felt like a whiny bitch, in all honesty. He felt ungrateful for what Levi did, but the lack of affection ate away at him. Yes, he did feel closer to Levi because of the night before, but it wasn’t enough. It was not clear to Eren what he wanted. He wanted Levi to be with him, but that scared him. He wasn’t supposed to like men, he was supposed to love a woman, and, after retiring, get married, have kids, and live a normal life, but there he was, thinking about a man in ways that he shouldn’t think about anyone but his wife. He began to cry silently and pulled his legs closer to himself.

He eventually slipped into a light sleep, which Mikasa woke him up from. “Eren. you need to eat.” she says and hands him a plate.

He sat up and looked at her, then the food. He didn’t feel like eating, his stomach was always fickle when he was upset, but if he doesn’t eat, Mikasa will worry, and he doesn’t want her to. So he started to pick at the bread, dipping it in the broth of the soup, and Mikasa sat on the bench next to his bed, waiting for him to finish.

After a few minutes, Eren looked at his sister, a girl who he knows is infatuated with him, to the point of discomfort on his side, and decided that he wants to be alone. He can’t just tell her that, however, because it will upset her. Instead, he used Levi as an escape goat. “Don’t you have cleaning? Captain Levi won’t be happy if you-”

At his name, Mikasa seemed to get upset. She never forgave him for hitting Eren, so she interrupted Eren. “I finished it.”

“That probably means that its not good enough. He’s very precise, you know that Mikasa.” he said.

“What’s the point? One of us will just get assigned to do it tomorrow anyways.” she said bitterly.

Eren pushed the rest of his food away and leaned back against the wall. “I guess you’re right.”

A few moments of silence passed before Mikasa broke it. "I’m worried about you Eren. So is Armin. You’re different now. Maybe you’ve just changed, but you used to be so happy and confident." she said and tuged at the end of her starf, removing a small burr that had burrowed itself in the tassles.

“Shit.” Eren replied simply, not knowing how else to put it. He pulled his legs up, and Mikasa turns his attention to him. 

She was confused by what he meant. “What?”

“You saw right through me.” he answered and leaned his head back, but rested his arms on his knees. Everything felt so heavy, and he couldn’t tell if he was tired of everything, or just physically tired. He came to the conclusion that it was both.

Mikasa shifted and sat next to him. She was never one to be affectionate, but she could tell that Eren was, and that he needed it. So she did the best she could and leaned her head against his shoulder. “Eren, you should have told us.”

“I know, but it’s hard. I’m sorry to worry you, I was trying not to.” He said and shifted to put his arm around her. It was the least he could do, especially when she was going out of her comfort zone to help him.

“We started worrying when you stopped talking, Eren.” She told him. “Please talk to us. Talk to me. Whats bothering you Eren?” she asked.

He couldn’t tell her about Levi, shed be so mad, and take it out on Levi. Eren knew levi could handle it, but Levi had done him a favor and he wasn’t going to repay him by putting Mikasa on his ass. The girl would try to kill him in his sleep. “Everything else I will. But this specific thing, no.” 

“Theres more than one thing bothering you Eren?” she asked and looked at him. 

He nods. “You don’t get this way from just one thing.” It was silent for a few more seconds. “Could I just be alone for a bit? I’m still exhausted and not really in the mood to talk anymore.”

Mikasa sighed and got up. “Sure. sleep well.” she went to the door and left. 

He didn’t want to sleep, he wanted to talk to Levi. He wanted to know if what they did meant anything to levi. If it hadn’t, then that would hurt, but Eren would get over it. If it had, then Eren would push aside his confusion and conflict in order to make Levi happy, because Levi never looked happy.

He got up and made his way to Levi’s office, but found it empty. Levi never slept during the day, so if he wasn’t in his office, he was in the training room. It was basically exclusively for Eren and Levi to train in, since Levi tutored Eren in hand to hand combat. He knocked, heard a sigh from inside, and his heart began to speed up. He hadn’t seen Levi up close since the night before, and he was worried he wouldn’t be able to get Levi in rather… compromising positions out of his head.

When Levi opened the door, it was clear that he hadn’t expected Eren to be there. He looked slightly surprised, but his expression was still mostly blank. “What is it?” he asked flatly.

“Could we talk about last night?” Eren asked and looked at Levi. Part of him wanted Levi to say no, but Eren needed to talk to someone about it, and he couldn’t tell anyone else. What they did was a crime since Levi was Eren’s captain, one punishable by dismissal at least.

A tense expression spread over Levi’s face, but he agreed and let Eren in. Eren walked in, and noticed a chair in the corner, which he quickly sat in. He felt small in this moment, and wanted his body to match that. Towering a foot over Levi wouldn’t feel right at that moment.

“I need to know if it meant anything to you. I need to know why you did it.” he stated simply. Simplicity was possibly the only way to get through to Levi, since the man was emotionally inept. 

Levi crossed his arms over his chest and fell silent for a few moments, which put Eren on edge, fearing Levi’s answer even more than he had before. “"Eren of course it meant at least something to me. I was trying to help you, okay? I'm sorry that maybe it wasn't the best decision, but sue me for enjoying it. Maybe it didn't mean what you wanted, and if it was your first time I'm so fucking sorry, okay?”

Eren took a second to process everything. This was the most emotional he had ever seen Levi, and while the way that he was expressing it was negative, the fact that Eren made him like this gave the younger man hope. Levi had at least enjoyed the night’s actions. Eren knew that, in the moment, Levi enjoyed it, but if something was a mistake in one’s eyes, they don’t usually admit to enjoying it afterwards.

Eren realized that he had left Levi with an upsetting thought. “It wasnt my first time, but it was my first time with a man.” he admits. “I didn’t think that I was-” He stopped there, the word ‘homosexual’ choking him and begging to expose him. “I didnt think that you were my type.” He said finally, and he felt like a coward for not saying what he really felt.

Levi gave a frustrated sigh, and Eren felt the last of his confidence dwindle away, suddenly very sorry to be wasting Levi’s time with this. Levi shook his head and rubbed his temple, clearly upset, and Eren wanted to put his arms around him and tell him that everything was okay. He would have been lying through his teeth, but he wanted to comfort Levi, the man he was coming to love.

"I don't know how to make sense of it all." Levi admitted, looking around, probably to keep his eyes off Eren, who was staring at him, wishing that Levi would return his gaze. "Your type or not it doesnt excuse last night's shit show. I shouldn't have done that, and you shouldn't have let me."

That hurt Eren, alot. So he got up, and looked at Levi in a different light. While before it was pleading, now it was cold, much like Levi looked at people. “So it was a mistake, and we forget it?” he asked, not questioning the morality or reasoning, but simply if he understood Levi’s wants. Its not at all what he wanted, he wanted it to happen again, so much that it consumed him, but he needed Levi to want that and to be open about it. 

"No- I don't know, Eren. I told you I enjoyed it, but I don't know what you want, and if anybody finds out we'll be kicked out onto our asses from this place." Levi said, clearly tense from the situation. 

Eren felt like he was drowning. “So we’ll forget it.” he said coldly. Eren wasn’t one to be cold. Distant, yes, but not cold. He was still reeling from his realization of how he felt towards Levi, and he needed validation right now. He needed to be told that it wasn’t wrong to feel that was, and instead, he was told that what they did and what he felt was wrong. He was cracking, and he couldn’t stop it on his own. That is why he will react the way that he does, so it is important that you, as the reader, understand that. He honestly feels that he doesn’t have anyone to talk to about this, and he doesn’t really.

“If that's what you want to do then go the fuck ahead,” Levi turned back to the punching bag hanging in the middle of the room, but turned his head to look at Eren before speaking. “I can't promise you I'll forget.”

Something in Eren snapped at that moment, and he turned to Levi with a rage he hadn’t felt towards anything but titans in years, tears stinging his eyes. “You fucking perv!” he yelled. After getting that out of his system, his anger deflated, and so did he. He hurled in on himself. “Why can’t you just let it go?” he whined. He would prefer Levi to forget it than to remember, believing that he wanted to remember for selfish and sexual reasons. 

Levi raised his hands, as if calling himself innocent. “Just forget it.” he mumbled. “Forget it all.” he says.

Eren’s anger boiled again. He grabbed Levi by his collar, and shoved him against the wall. “Stop playing with me Levi!” he yelled. 

“I know you don’t want to forget because you want to remember how you conquered me. How you found me in a weak spot and exploited me for your own selfish gain!” Eren yelled, saying everything wrong, and hating himself for it, but finding himself unable to stop. “You make me sick.” he spat and let go of Levi.


End file.
